WEEKENDERS START TOUR WITH A WHIMPER

The first tour of the season commenced in a most unlikely fashion with a full crew plus an inordinate number of cars, wives and assorted accoutrements gathered comfortably early in Cambridge. Old Spring had threatened all week to pull out for lack of numbers but on match day an interesting collection of likely contenders including a few well known from previous encounters at Trinity, a chap in shorts (who later would be stumped off Gladys, something neither were too pleased about) and another who bowled mind numbingly slowly whilst sporting hiking boots had turned up to face what was possibly the teams strongest ever bowling attack.

Skips, anticipating a blood bath, decided to bat first on a pitch more spongy than a Weekender's belly after a holiday on the Med. Old Spring used the pitch with aplomb quickly realising that (1) if it doesn't bounce it can't be hit, and (2) no-one could make it bounce anyway. But as a steady stream of batters trudged back to the pavilion dismissed by a mix of boredom and more boredom, Morty set out about grafting an innings through concentration and strict adherence to his 'I don't run for anything" policy. Back in the pavilion, the majority of the team cheered heartily at Morty's performance but Maloney was unimpressed, engrossed as he was in the endless possibilities and potential benefits of Churchill's Toilet Lift as advertised in the Telegraph. However his attempts to arrange a free home demonstration were quickly thwarted when it was revealed that the earliest date was in 2007 as messrs d'Inverno, Douglas and Hogben had raided the club kitty and with prophetic anticipation of extending the teams run of crippling though identifiable injuries, set about installing all of their products in and around North London.

All the while, with dark clouds threatening, Hightower eventually joined Morty at the crease helping his brother-in-law to his first ton for the Weekenders and blasting a quick fire 50 for himself.

With the break over, the awesome firepower of the Weekender's was unleashed on a team hell bent on leaving everything possible and blocking the rest. That such a marvellous display of bowling was witnessed by so few will go down as one of the great tragedies of cricketing history, that the opps was not dismissed for 30 beggars belief. And whilst wickets eventually started falling, so did the eyelids of each of the fielders. It was later revealed that during the second innings much had been made of the fact that we were to blame … you know, because it was too fast, too full, too much on off-stump, not enough on off-stump… but it is now a moot point as despite a couple of dubious decisions including a run out where the umpire first maintained he didn't see it, then that he didn't know the rules and then that he was tired and should have been replaced overs before, Old Spring managed to rust its way to a draw.

As the oppo sprinted for the change rooms and scarpered into the night, the Weekenders remained on the field, in utter disbelief at what was, and what could have been. To his credit, Bal, the oppo's skipper confessed that there was no deliberate blocking tactic but it just seems to be part of the fabric up that way. He also very kindly called later to ensure we were sorted for curry house.

Stats: see below

HEARTACHES TAKE A SPANKING

Its elementary, bring birds on tour and things change. No brainer, and nobody felt the effects of that more than Marvel who had done what he thought was the right thing by not inviting Mrs Marvel but to his astonishment found himself fighting for room at the dinner table amongst a wave of perfumes and handbags, some of which may not have belonged to him. Having earned the ire of Skips at Bury last year for a slight breach of protocol, Marvel and Skips managed to nut out a workable policy for tours going forward which should be available for comment some time in January once the sub-committee produces the working draft. Nevertheless, in another first, the food was palatable, the air breathable and the only flirting involved a 15 year old violinist recently back from a concert band tour in France who it appears is the only girl ever to have gone there and not been plied with alcohol … much to her apparent disappointment. Even more surprisingly, Skips' much anticipated resignation speech was drowned out by an inordinately passionate analysis of word politics with both sides of the table shaping up as if land grab in Germany was on offer.

But dawn did as dawn does (bless) and the team chowed down on roast beef and fish and chips in perfect harmony at Pisshill's local, ready for a match against the Heartaches who rather kindly had joined us at the next table.

Play commenced shortly thereafter and then ceased rather abruptly when the Club Secretary slipped on the damp pitch and strained something interesting in the trouser department. Needless to say he was comforted by the thought that at that very moment a Churchill's was winging its way to his place. But even with a slips cordon of 3 invalids, the Heartaches never really got going with Michael Dunlop on debut producing a scintillating 14 over spell which cruelly yielded only one wicket but ensured he would be welcome to share the sausage rolls again. Eventually helped by some healthy pies thrown late in the innings, the Heartaches limped to 170-odd.

After a sumptuous tea, Maloney and Vickery set about the run chase at a canter. Little respect was shown to anything that was delivered including Sir Tim who learned not to cross a Queenslander who missed out on the scones at tea. Maloney fell late in the innings after a glorious knock with Vickery carrying his bat for the second time in 2 days.

A fabulous day had by all.

Debut: Michael Dunlop
Stats: see below

Tour Stats:
Team work award: Morty for the worst example of playing for the averages - 192 runs not out.
Happiest to see the tour end: Douggo, no wickets, no bat, torn thingy, a week of recovery on the health farm planned.
Novelty award: Rich Moloney for introducing the notion of pointless clapping and for proving that he could spell platitude whilst fielding at cover.
Welcome return award: PJ Harvey 'cause its not the same when he is not there.
Turning back the Clock award: Chairman for an outstanding day in the gloves.

Old Spring stats
WCC 223-5dec
Vickery 115*, M.Harvey 3, Maloney 4, Johnstone 16, P.Harvey 0, Gallagher 6, Co. Swift 69*
dnb: Douglas, Hunter, M.d'Inverno, Vettickat
OS 124-8
Douglas 12-1-29-0, Hunter 14-3-31-2, M.d'Inverno 1-0-8-0, Co. Swift 8-1-21-2, Vettickat 4-1-18-0, M.Harvey 4-0-13-3
ct: Johnstone 3, Douglas
st: Johnstone 2

Heartaches stats
H 191a.o. Douglas 5-1-16-0, Co. Swift 6.5-0-20-2, Dunlop 11-2-32-1, Maloney 6-0-39-2, Johnstone 7-1-47-1, M.Harvey 4-0-30-2
ct: Swift 3, P.Harvey, Smee, Vickery
WCC 192-2
Vickery 86*, Maloney 63, P.Harvey 2, Johnstone 7*
dnb: Swift, Hogben, Smee, M.Harvey, Douglas, Dunlop, M.d'Inverno