ITN vs. Weekenders

Bong. Bong. Bong. Bong. Good evening.
And here is the news. And in our leading headlines today.
Bong. Weekenders crush hopeless ITN resistance bringing a not unwelcome amount of joy and relief to many survivors of their previous encounters.
Bong. Weekenders off to best sharpeners of the season (3 Stella) in match manager’s brother’s boozer whilst listening to the skipper rouse the troops with the inspiring and suitably apocalyptic ditty “we’re on a voyage to the bottom of the sea”.
Bong. An embarrassed David Lloyd, whilst hounded by the media at his dog home in Lancashire, was heard to say, “Flippin' ‘eck! We could have bloody murdered that!”.
Bong. Weekenders off to worst cricketing start of season at 31-5.
Bong Whippet and Disco rescue the situation by going on a beer run and coming back with a huge bag of Becks.
Bong. New scientific evidence supports the theory seems that scoring ducks in the top order brings about a greater propensity for beer runs in general.
Bong. Lyons and Johnson hit match-winning hundred run partnership.
Bong. Lyons only seconds away from death while going for an unwisely run 3.
Bong. Swift and Hunter give ball fearsome clout as full time female umpire inexplicably reveals that wides are only in her head.
Bong. Richard Maloney pulls off stunning run out whilst wearing a new experimental, environmentally friendly fat suit.
Bong. Greenpeace threaten violent reprisals.
Bong. Debutant Nick Rollet, a chain smoking Stella drinking doctor, takes the notion of a mixed-bag to new heights by taking two wickets in his second over and bowling 7 wides in his third.
Bong. Piers Wallace takes one of the coolest catches in recent years. On his chest.
Bong. d’Inverno takes wicket with his slow ball, confounding the skeptics, critics and, most importantly, Moby, the rotund ITN opening bowler as he tried one of the most agriculture heaves in living memory.
Bong. Richard Maloney observes technical deficiencies in off-pitch snogging.
Bong. Skipper rejoices in having a many-pronged fast bowling attack for the first time since Wallace “Wally” O’Grimlry and Freddy ”Percy” McDougal used to terrorise the shires between 1905 and 1934. ITN are put under pressure by fearsome bowling.
Bong. ITN manage scoring shot of Douglas. Last reports we have indicate that he is now recovering from shock in an undisclosed clinic.
Bong. Inexplicably, Weekenders put on excellent fielding display. Not only do they field in right place, but also, in an extraordinary development, hands, feet and bodies were used to stop the ball. This is a marked change from recent times where it has been considered much more appropriate for the Weekenders team to either wave the ball on, go to stop it and move out of the way at the last moment, groan at it, ignore it entirely, shout someone elses name who is fielding on the other side of the park, or, majestically dive over it. Sources close to the team have today expressed a certain bewilderment coming from the Weekender’s camp as to what, exactly, went right.
Bong. Weekenders win game by 95 runs.
Bong. Lyons survives near death experience, and along with Johnstone buys some of the quickest jugs in weekender’s history as skipper arrested for suspicious behaviour in adjacent car park. Claiming he was looking under cars only in an attempt to find the club scorebook he was let off with a caution but the police warned that any repeat of such behaviour might result in dire consequences including having to spend a whole night in the six bells.
Bong. In an extraordinary late development, opposing skipper tells just how close they came to winning.
Bong. And, finally, in some news that is just coming in now, Weekenders skipper writes very unfunny match report so as not to be left with the scorebook ever again.
With a big thanks to Dr Hargrove for organising the match, here are its details:

Weekenders 169–8, 35 overs
Maloney 17, Hogben 6, Hargrove 0, Wallace 0, Johnstone 55, Harvey 0, Lyons 56, Swift C 9, Hunter 9*, Douglas DNB, d’Inverno DNB, extras 17

ITN 74 all out, 24 overs
Douglas 4-3-4-1, Hunter 4-0-10-1, Rollet 3-0-24-2, Swift 7-0-17-3, d’Inverno 5-1-13-1, Harvey 1-0-2-1
Catches: Johnstone 1, Wallace 1
Run Out: Maloney 1

Weekenders win by 94 runs
Debutants: Nick Rollett