A DAY IN SUSSEX WITH THE WEEKENDERS

This mtch rprt is being txtd from inside the Blackwall Tnnl where I have been since Sun. evening. It’s 38 degrees and my sandals just melted. My water’s run out and I ate the last of the car sweets this morning. Not sure how long I can hold out. In the meantime before I lose consciousness here’s what happened at Southwater...

Southwater 222-6 dec (43 overs)

WCC 138 (23.5 overs)

Southwater won by 84 runs

Their ground drops 18ft from one end to the other. It also slopes from leg to off by not much less and after the game we had trouble standing upright until we’d got a few drinks inside us.

The hosts batted first and naively failed to make the best of the conditions by hitting the ball hard and often to the boundary rather than simply blocking it and allowing it to roll downhill for four. But it wasn’t long before the Southwater batsmen worked out that a much more effective way of run-scoring was to knock the ball gently to the Weekenders fielders and wait for them to kick, throw or push it over the line. Clever use of this method got them to 222 at a shade above five an over.

Douglas rumbled downhill for 16 overs unchanged. The slope eased his approach to the crease in the same way it would help to bump start a Transit van. It was an effective enough spell although the walk back up to the end of his mark nearly killed the experienced seamer. Whiskers Vettickat, Nasty Nikhil and debutant Guy Thwaites toiled from the bottom end, the latter never having come across conditions quite like it.

Guy is almost certainly the first first-class cricketer to have played for the Weekenders and he bowled an excellent spell of what the keeper Vijay expertly described as ‘sort of coming-in ones’. But after only three overs the undulations of the ground got to Thwaitesy and he retired from the attack complaining of seasickness. Marvel took over from Douglas at the top end and enjoyed much the same level of support in the field that Tony Blair gets in this part of Sussex - Sorry, I’ll just have to break off here to change lanes.

RESULT!!! Managed to make a three yard gain by carving up a Volvo. Found a twix wrapper on the kerb with a few nourishing smears of chocolate still inside.

The Weekenders’ reply began in the way it often does when we’re short of batting - Hogben bowled second ball by a freak leg-cutter. This brought in our ringer Thwaites. Vijay’s old friend and a candidate for the best ever introduction to the club. He played with the kind of front-foot flourish that earned him two seasons in the Cambridge XI.

Just sold my kit bag and two hub-caps for a gulp of Fanta. Looks like I might make it after all.

Guy scored 51 voluptuous runs in a partnership of 62 with Marvel before Umpire Whitehead made a bid to be allowed to sit and read the papers for the next few Weekenders innings by giving him out lbw, a decision which probably did more than anything to secure the fixture next year. It was an eery echo of Thwaites last first-class innings against Leics in 1992 when David Millns also had him lbw. Wisden doesn’t record whether Umpire Knocker White went round the bar afterwards saying ‘I so didn’t want to give that’ but we can be sure that Thwaites has never had to repeat the phrase ‘Don’t worry, it was plumb’ quite so often.

There was a brave fourth wicket stand between Hajela and White which gave us a sniff of a whiff. White’s 28 was only nine runs short of all-time black-trainers high and it was a fantastic effort considering he hasn’t batted since he was eleven. With his dismissal began the collapse with Whitehead and Douglas falling embarrassingly, although Va Va Vuletich went big with yet another career best including his maiden boundary. We wondered about making Vettickat bat in a Laura Ashley frock of the kind that had served last Sunday’s Rain Men number eleven so well but everything he tried on made his bum look big and so the innings quietly expired with thirteen of the last twenty overs left.

I have just led a raid on a big 4x4 belonging to a couple who died of heat stroke on their way back from Bluewater Shopping. We shared their screen-wash and spit-roasted their children on a petrol bonfire - didn’t taste too bad although the eleven year-old was a bit fatty. I’ve got a knife so I’m leader of this section of the tunnel. Things aren’t too bad and there’s talk of cooler weather by the end of the week. I miss home but it makes sense to stay here until the Nuthurst game on the 26th September. Do let me know how the Suffolk tour goes.

Duggo

STATS
Southwater 222-6 dec (43 overs)

Stretton 46, Downs 70*

Douglas 16-2-51-4; Vettickat 8-1-41-0; Narayanan 4-1-15-0; Gallagher 6-0-31-0; M. HArvey 6-0-59-0; Thwaites 3-0-16-2.

Catches: Hajela 1 (kpr), Whitehead 1 (another cracker running backwards).

WCC 138 (23.5 overs)

Hogben 0, M. Harvey 14, Thwaites 51, Hajela 16, White 28, Gallagher 0, Whitehead 0, Douglas 4, Narayanan 2, Vuletich 6, Vettickat 0*

Their spinner at the bottom end got 5-for