MIKE HARVEY’S BIG ONE

Oxford Emeriti 176-7 dec

WCC 155-8

Match drawn

When a player calls out to his captain ‘Shall I field on the boundary because I’ve got a bigger throw’ two things become inevitable: 1; the ball won’t go anywhere near him, and 2; he’ll never be allowed to forget it. Spare a thought then for poor old Marvel patrolling the outfield with barely a chance all afternoon to uncoil his magnificent member, and bombarded not by rasping cuts and drives but by his teammates’ frequent requests for a size update.

Testosterone levels run high on any sportsfield, but perhaps this is less so when the Weekenders are in action. It certainly wasn’t too evident while the hundred year-old pace attack of Dunne and Douglas was locking antlers with the Emeriti’s hundred year-old opening partnership. But, inconclusive though this bout of aged rutting was (about 50 for none off the first fifteen overs), it set the stage for one of the most deeply primal passages of play in recent times.

When the first wicket eventually fell Adam Swift, the Emeriti skipper, came to the crease. His opposite number immediately changed the bowling, bringing on the Weekenders’ club President, Adam’s father Clive. At once the on-field atmosphere was thick with ungovernable Oedipal urges.

Mark d’Inverno is a thoughtful leader, familiar not just with Mike Brearley’s book on Captaincy but apparently Freud’s and Jung’s too, plus the plays of Sophocles.

‘Sorry, Adam’ said Mark. ‘No one likes getting out to their dad first ball but it’s gotta be done.’ Eat your heart out Sigmund.

Clive Swift’s dinky wobblers are the stuff of legend around the village greens of the home counties and they’ve undone many a cocksure dasher down the years. By supreme effort of will Adam forced himself to block his first ball, although he appeared to receive a reprimand from the Balliol groundsman batting at the other end for salivating on the pitch. By the time the third ball arrived, seemingly sugar-coated with a cherry on top, Adam could suppress his parricidal compulsions no longer. The rebel of the Swift family, who wilfully chooses not to appear on popular TV, drove hard to the left of Douglas at mid-on (by coincidence a fellow absentee from the TV schedules). The earth shook as the hefty seamer came to ground clutching the ball. The pretender was routed and the king, or the President at any rate, stayed on his throne.

Further spring and autumn entertainment was on view when Lyons took a stunner at deep mid-wicket and Gallagher, cool as ever under pressure, did the same at long-on. Dunne was coarsely barracked for dropping a caught and bowled by a saucy bit of skirt he’d found in Derby. But for raw excitement there was nothing to match Chiari’s Dorian Grey antics on the mid-wicket boundary. Having sprinted like an eighteen year-old to make a brilliant save he then had a senior moment when he tried to bowl the ball back in, forgetting to let go in time and sending it skimming into the hedge behind him for four overthrows. All the while Mike Harvey was nursing his biggie on the opposite side of the field.

The declaration came at 176-7 after 46 overs. After tea, kindly subsidised by the President, Hogben and Chiari began the WCC reply with an excellent stand of 52. After Chiari went Hogben rollicked along to 37 before being caught at mid-off. Mike Harvey was undone by what the umpire said was a wonderful top-spinner; ‘Great googly’ called the wicket keeper; ‘Perfect flipper’ said the batsman.

Lyons and Phil Harvey failed to maintain their form of last week which brought in Swift, the concrete in the middle order that every skipper craves. The President not only steadied the ship, he hauled it into dry dock, and gave it a coat of paint and a couple of new funnels while Gallagher at the other end fired off a succession of crippling broadsides.

Their partneship produced 25 before Steve Dunne arrived to take responsibilty for the innings and play out for the draw. Last year Douglas perished trying to score 90 off the last four overs, this year the target was only 30 off four balls but he went the same way, performance once again falling short of desire. In the end no one had a really big one but the afternoon proved it’s still possible to enjoy yourself.

STATS:

Emeriti 176-7 (46 overs)

Douglas: 15-2-45-1, Dunne: 8-1-32-1, Gallagher 5-2-15-0, M. Harvey; 3-1-10-1, Chiari 6-0-22-1, C.Swift; 4-1-26-1, Lyons; 5-0-22-2

Catches: 2 P Harvey (kpr). 1 each; Dunne, Gallagher, Douglas, Lyons

WCC 155-8 (38 overs)

Hogben 37, Chiari 14, M.Harvey 13, Lyons 0, Gallagher 22, C.Swift 7, P Harvey 1, Dunne 33*, Douglas 14, Vuletich 0*, d’Inverno DNB.

Babies produced during the week: 1 (Poppy Smee)

Wee-wee stops on the journey home: d’Inverno 4

Miles driven by Hogben this season: 5,000

Number of times people said ‘This match report is writing itself’: 6