CURSE OF DUNNE
TIPS THE SCALES AGAINST WEEKENDERS
Avebury 167-8 (40 overs)
WCC 138 (39.3 overs)
Avebury won by 29 runs (40 over game)
WCC 196-7 (46 overs)
Ampney Crucis 131-8 (41 overs)
Match drawn
As every elite athlete knows it’s vital to pile up the protein and carbohydrate reserves before an endurance event like a Weekenders tour. Julian Lyons’ preparation on Friday night was as meticulous as ever but the composition of his seafood starter at Bibendum (or possibly its sheer quantity) took a spectacular toll in the early hours of Saturday morning, ruling him out of the side to face Avebury and, even more cruelly, denying him a crack at the lemon-drizzle and chocolate cake for which this fixture is famed.
Simon van der Borgh’s friend Peter stepped in and by midday he was eating a substantial pre-match meal at the Red Lion in Avebury like a regular member of the squad. Promisingly, more Weekenders than usual were assembled in the pub in good time, even Ray d’Inverno made it through the traffic from Southampton with fifteen minutes to spare. The electrifying turn of pace shown by Ray as he ran from his car to the bar to order his lunch somehow epitomised the unspoken determination of the team to avenge last year’s defeat.
If Avebury fancied they could gorge themselves on our bowling again they were very much mistaken. This year things were to be very different indeed. This year they were able to binge on our comical fielding. Chance after chance came floating into our hands only to be rejected with the force of a Dublin Bay prawn leaving Julian Lyons’ digestive system.
Luckily van der Borgh castled Henry Fry for 38 with his lively left-arm swing, and Chiari trapped last year’s centurion Dominic Fry lbw for just 4. Although nobody showed much appetite for catching or throwing we chased pretty well and stand-in skipper Hogben placed his fields effectively to limit the home side to 167.
Maloney and Vickery began the WCC reply steadily against some tight Avebury bowling and at 50 without loss in the 16th there was no doubt that the Weekenders had come to the party. Unfortunately we got up and left the party soon afterwards. There were doughty prods from Hoggers and the Harveys and from Steve ‘Albatross’ Dunne, hoping to take part in his first win for two years, plus a few high cholesterol slogs from the tail but we ended 29 short.
The traditional Weekenders weigh-in took place in Avebury’s club house overseen by Dr Chiari who also factored our height into a series of dubious calculations tapped out on his phone. The trouble with the good doctor’s so-called ‘body mass index’ is that it doesn’t take into account the immense burden of expectation carried around by so many of our players. Spurious medical terms like ‘obese’, ‘grossly overweight’ and ‘an abuse of the public healthcare system’ should not and cannot be applied to the likes of Dunne, Douglas, Vickery, Maloney, Ray and Mark d’Inverno, Mike Harvey and Simon van der Borgh (even though he’s got a sticky-out navel). Suffice it to say the average weight of the team was a shade under 14 stone. And this was including the dangerously, if not irresponsibly, underweight PJ Harvey (10st 7lbs). Thanks largely to Phil the XI weighed in at some 38 kilos short of a tonne.
Taking Chiari’s medical mumbo jumbo with a pinch of high sodium salt, the team carried on restoring their depleted energy reserves in Marlborough, first in the Lamb then the curry house followed by the Ivy Hotel. Here the landlady tried to throw us out because she was only licensed to serve residents, but after Morty and PJ generously offered to fight any prosecution at a reduced rate of £1,250 per hour she said we could stay for one drink.
How lucky she did because the intimate arrangement of garden benches we squeezed onto prompted van der Borgh to reminisce about the romantic history of the club and, in particular, the firebrand youth of Julian Lyons. Until now not much was known about Jules’ years in socialist theatre in Stoke on Trent, when he wore red velvet flares and a beard. His commitment to left-wing agitprop was, said Simon, absolute although it seems his credibility crumbled after he offered to lend the designer some of his family’s Louis Quinze furniture to brighten up an otherwise ‘bloody dreary set’.
Now it was off to the Green Dragon to enjoy the dying moments of its late licence. One senior bowler claimed he was accosted by a woman staggering about outside the gents but that was the extent of our conquests - such a shame after Maloney had paid for a stairlift to be installed in his B&B. The Weekenders drifted off to their respective hotels and into the mellow embrace of Jamesons.
After a late breakfast the team undertook the forty-five minute drive to the Crown at Crucis which serves excellent, reasonably-priced Sunday lunches. We were joined by Lyons, appetite fully restored, and our Chairman newly arrived from a gastronomic fortnight in France. By coincidence, Tony had recently been cooking meals for his family using olive oil from a jar at the bottom of which he subsequently found two dead rats. He and Jules swapped stories long into the afternoon - how we laughed.
Searing sun and a kind of queasy torpor persuaded d’Inverno to bat first. Once again the top order came good, Chiari and Vickery putting on a sparkling 102. When one of Morty’s sixes landed in the river a party was sent to fish it out with a colander tied to the end of a long pole. Dunne was within inches of scooping it out when the riverbank collapsed under him. Smee struggled in vain to get a purchase on the sinking Steve’s belt and in the process scratched the seasoned all-rounder’s back. They eventually recovered the ball and scrambled back to safety and although this incident isn’t very interesting or funny it will at least explain to Carmel where those marks came from.
Morty was fourteen runs short of his maiden Weekenders ton when he biffed a high full-toss straight to the in-field. But the runs kept coming, skittishly sometimes - as when Smee and Lyons were seen charging towards the same end shouting ‘Come! No! Yes! Get back!’. With the innings flourishing van der Borgh gloomily predicted that by the time he got in there’d only be two balls left to face. ‘Oh good,’ said Steve. ‘That means I’ll get a go.’ Sure enough, when Simon did get to the crease he pushed his first ball straight back to the bowler, called for a run and was out by ten yards.
By the time we sat down for the legendary Ampney tea (the third Weekenders meal of the day) we had reached 196-7 declared.
van der Borgh ripped out the top of the Ampney order courtesy of a clever leg-stump yorker, another Dunne blinder at slip and cool Hogben snaffle off a long hop. Chiari chipped away cleverly with his leggies but thereafter the poles dried up and skipper d’Inverno had to work hard to stay calm under a fusillade of conflicting strategies. ‘Let me bowl some spinners, Skip - why don’t I lob it into the sun, I’ll bowl with my foot and go bibbly-wibbly-boo to put him off’. Somehow he conjured a few more wickets from his meagre resources, but a mature and bearded ninth wicket pair dug in to ensure another draw. The curse of Dunne continues.
Thanks to Hoggers for organising a great tour, good luck to PJ (a Weekender’s appetite trapped inside the body of a vegan) who returns to Australia and to Tim who’s trapped Lisa’s body inside a house in Brighton until she agreed to marry him. And thanks to Simon van der Borgh for introducing new blood into the set-up, notably his father Jonathan who umpired superbly throughout two of the hottest afternoons of the year. As we left them with the shadows lengthening in the garden of the Crown at Crucis the father and son pair seemed to epitomise the abiding ethos of our club - civilised men united by a love of cricket and about to order their fourth meal of the day.
STATS
SATURDAY
Avebury 167-8 (40 overs)
H. Fry 38, A. Duncan 38, Gater 31
Douglas 8-2-16-1, van der Borgh 8-0-38-1, Dunne 8-1-32-1, R. d’Inverno 4-0-30-1, M. Harvey 7-1-18-1, Chiari 5-0-23-2
Catch: PJ Harvey 1 (kpr),
Stumping: PJ Harvey 1.
Run out: 1 (any takers?)
WCC 138 (39.3 overs)
Maloney 22, Vickery 27, Chiari 0, Hogben 12, M. Harvey 16, P. Harvey 12, Dunne 5, van der Borgh 1, Douglas 21, Boswell 7*, R. d’Inverno 0.
SUNDAY
WCC 196-7 (46 overs)
Hogben 18, Chiari 29, Vickery 86, PJ Harvey 11, Smee 15, Lyons 5, van der Borgh 0, Dunne 12*, Douglas 1*,
M. Harvey and M. d’Inverno dnb.
Ampney Crucis 131-8 (41 overs)
N. Rutter 60
Douglas 13-3-29-2, van der Borgh 12-1-37-3, Dunne 4-1-8-0,
M. Harvey 3-0-10-0, Chiari 6-1-16-2, Lyons 3-1-6-1
Catches: Dunne 2, Hogben 1, Smee 1 (kpr)
Debuts: P. Boswell and J. van der Borgh (ump)
Those BMIs in full:
Albatrossy 30.6, Douglas 29.4, M. Harvey 29.1, Vickery 28.3, R. d’Inverno 28.3, van der Borgh 28.1, Lyons 26.5, M. d’Inverno 26.1, Maloney 25.27, Hogben 24.5, PJ. HArvey 23.4, Chiari 23.0*
*Figures provided by Dr Chiari