WEEKENDERS ENTER THE WASTELAND

WCC 194-7 dec

ITN 125-7

Match Drawn.

Like it says in the Lovesong of J. Alfred Prufrock, ‘I grow old… I grow old… I shall wear my trouser bottoms rolled.’ It’s unlikely that T.S. Eliot had Peter Simmonds in mind when he wrote those lines, although Flat was showing plenty of calf on Sunday and had the kind of day that can put years onto a team captain - and if Elioty had been inspired by the stand-in Skip he would surely have completed the famous stanza ‘And I will have a pants bowling attack that couldn’t take ten wickets if each one came smothered in barbecue sauce with a complimentary Marlboro Light’.

Marvel and the part-timers toiled heroically, Vettickat probed with classical rhythm, Flat himself deployed all his wit and cunning but of dramatic punch there was all too little.

The volume of emails during the week from impoverished Weekenders wanting lifts to Harpenden dwarfed T.S. Eliot’s output in terms of quantity. But there was quality aplenty when Morty Vickery and Coach Maloney formed a second-wicket stand that shredded the ITN attack for around a hundred. The Coach provided a silver-tongued commentary on his innings for the benefit of the fielders while Morty, who before the game, was seen mysteriously disappearing into the showers with Jess’s make-up compact (twice), oozed romance from every carefully-cleansed pore.

With the Aussie Adonis blazing away through the onside and the Chigwell chunterer lofting elegantly over (and sometimes directly at) mid-off and cover, Marvel Harvey provided some classical earthbound strokes through the offside before he was run out going for a lightning quick single (given the theme of this report, a bit of poetic licence ought to be allowed).

For stats fans the highlight of the innings was the majestic career-best in any form of cricket by Dan Vuletich (see scores below). Whether this as yet un-nicknamed player will be able to handle the new weight of expectation remains to be seen. Incidentally, how about Va-Va-Vule? Hopevul-etich? Better Dan Some of the Othersy? Just thinking aloud.

The declaration came at the interval after 40 overs. Tea was unpacked, laid out and served by Jess and Belinda, and when the players went back out the radiant twosome also undertook the clear-up. This they did in true Weekenders style by eating every last remaining cake, jam tart, bun, swiss roll, biscuit, sandwich and crisp. Jess also admitted to licking the Victoria sponge plate.

Meanwhile out in the middle the home side set about their work by blocking from ball one. This was in stark contrast to last year when they had successfully chased 175 in 30 overs for the loss of just one wicket. A wheel or two must have fallen off their batting in the last twelve months as by the end of the ninth over the openers had scored just two runs off the bat. Then it started to rain.

Weekenders were jolted into wakefulness when a wicket fell and a new batsman with highlights in his hair came to the crease. Morty’s shrewd observation ‘Never seen a bloke who dyes his hair block the ball’ proved correct but his successors resumed the grim vigil. Simmonds rang the changes thoughtfully and often, and a buffet of tempting pies was served up with side orders of dogfood lollipops but the ITN shots stayed in the locker and a result became increasingly unlikely. To add to the tedium it was raining quite hard by now.

The cheers rang out in the pavilion when the home side played out the last over (the 41^st) with the board reading 125-7. Bouyed by their achievement the hosts became expansive in the pub dispensing advice like Maloney on monkey dust, ‘You scored too many runs, that was your problem’ was one of many verdicts. Lack of strike bowling would have been nearer the mark but in truth our problems probably began rather earlier – like in January when we agreed the fixture.

So the winless run continues. If T.S. Eliot reads these reports he might concede that April may be the cruellest month but May and June can be fairly toxic too.

STATS

WCC 194-7 (40 overs)

Hogben 12, Maloney 70, M. Harvey 19, Vickery 62, Lyons 5, P. Harvey 1, Gallagher 9*, Douglas 0, Vuletich 2*

Simmonds and Vettickat dnb.

ITN 125-7 (41 overs)

Douglas 10-5-14-1; Vettickat 7-3-17-0; M. Harvey 9-1-27-3; Simmonds 7-1-25-3; Lyons 1-0-2-0; Maloney 1-0-8-0; Gallagher 4-0-17-0.

Catches: P. Harvey (kpr) 2, Simmonds 1, M. Harvey 1, Vickery 1.