The Suffork Tour

Flat Pete

SATURDAY - WCC vs Pimpernels...

Those of us who've been before saddened at news that Ella, nonogenarian
mother of the team, passed away a couple of months ago. Smee proves that
driving the longest distance does not mean guaranteed last arrival - Hogben
& skipper blame roadworks on M11 for belatedness.
Forecast storms fail to arrive, as do 2 Pimpernels players - Smee bravely
offers not only to field for oppo, but to bat for them as well.
Hogben & Maloney open up, and trot along at a merry and untroubled 6 an
over, passing the ton stand before Maloney snicks one to keeper. Pytches and
Brockis also have enjoyable flails, as WCC declare with 3 down for 220 -
Hogben unbeaten on 112. Pytches celebrates by warning team-mates where not
to walk in latrinal woods.
Tea provides clue as to whereabouts of EU butter mountain.
Skipper's opening burst with PJ puts WCC in with shout - but stout
resistance from Smee, before falling for a valiant several, leaves
Pimpernels needing 121 off last 20 with 5 wickets up.
Strong batting by Pimpernels captain coupled with tight fielding leaves
match wonderfully poised at 10 overs to go - Pimpernels with 3 wickets
standing needing 60.
Run out aids WCC - but valiant last couple of overs burst from skipper
unable to pluck out 62 year old tailender (despite umpire signalling last
ball wide to prolong tension) and Pimpernels block for draw with one still
up and 13 short of victory.
Post match fun provided by Sackville managing to break Flat Pete's boot
lock, with key remaining trapped in lock despite efforts from assembled
cricketers from several counties. Maloney eventually persuaded to bypass
moral and legal concerns and summon AA, as Simmonds, Maloney and Sackville
improv new screenplay "three men in a field with a stuck car key after dark
with everyone else off down the pub, yet amazingly all three came out
alive".
Team repair to travel lodge-style accomodation, with unsightly scramble to
select Hogben as room-mate. Curry House visited, though team too scared to
venture into Bury's premier night spot opposite, citing lack of puppy fat
qualification.
Check out next morning reveals 55 quid of extras, which is variously put
down to skipper & Hogben ordering breakfast in bed, drinks charged to rooms,
& strong rumours of late night business hotel tv viewing...

SUNDAY - WCC vs Garboldisham

Average age of opposition lowered as colts released at us... WCC bat first,
run up 131 with decent knocks from Sackville & P Harvey among others.
Promised storms still fail to materialise, and WCC start to chip away at
oppo batting line up.
Mike Nicholas becomes latest Weekender to take one for the team - excellent
stop at cover leads to broken and dislocated finger - visit to A&E ensues.
Competition for niggle of the season is reaching new heights, incidentally -
will it be Whitehead's ribs, Nail's back, Mike's worries or Skipper's double
hand at Hertford which ends up on top?
Maloney bursts through with fivefer, other bowlers chip and and G's last
wicket pair need 18 or so to win.
Sackville/Brockis combination brings very close call on run out as last pair
try to record score-tying run. Umpire's verdict of not-out a disappointment
- and one-wicket defeat follows.
Moved accomodation introduces team to swinging hot spot of Dog & Partridge -
team gathers in circle for caring, sharing moment - Mike Nicholas provides
end of year team stats cover shot by displaying x-rays of knackered pinky...
Half of team move into main bar area to try to sample local bloodstock.
Other half think sod that and head off for beer & Chinese take-out.
Relative merits of both actions summed up by representatives of first group
sifting through bin in Brockis salon for uneaten fried rice at midnight.

MONDAY - WCC vs Walsham

... or, given the Nicholas injury, ten of weekenders vs (under) 14 (s) of
Walsham. Team bids farewell to Smee, and welcomes Ray D'Inverno - whose
seven hour round trip to play sets a standard the opposition cannot match
with their cricket. Ray consoles himself with innings-long umpiring stint,
signalling near-record amount of wides as Weekenders rattle up large total.
Weather is just like January in August. Hogben & Pytches make unbeaten
centuries, only wicket to fall comes from run-out, and Brockis picks triple
bouncers off his toes in late cameo after Pytches retires (not) hurt.
Tea is excellent (for those who want to exist simply on bumper packs of
crisps alone).
Oppo send in teen opener and set out to resist. Sackville bounces said
fourteen year old, and engages in polite bout of sledging.
Procession of pre-teens gathers on boundary, to come in when the side runs
out of grown ups, which it does most of the way through the last 20 overs.
But time runs out and strongly winning draw has to be accepted.
Mr Hogben will doubtless provide further stats, but suffice to say a few
front line batsmen furthered their averages nicely (Hoggers himself
averaging in excess of 250 on tour), Rich "Thommo" Maloney took most
wickets on tour, Smee & Brockis kept excellently, skipper led attack
swingingly with newly-healed hands, P Harvey put bat to ball and ball to
stump respectively while batting & then bowling, Nicholas looked the part as
emergency opener, Sackville bounced & sledged more schoolboys than rest of
team combined, Pytches feasted on runs, M "great value for my match fees"
Harvey toured well, Ray D'Inverno gave up three runs in eight overs and not
a soul was lost on the winding back roads of East Anglia.
The story continues this weekend on Putney Heath when we'll find out if
Roehampton are willing to accept our challenge - a fine game to play, and
Chris Douglas would love to have your participation.
See you all back out on the field - Flat.