NUTRITION IS THE LOSER AS PRETENDERS POWER TO 42 RUN WIN.

Weekenders’ fears raised when opposition captain changes match conditions in midweek. Fears justified on Sunday when he declines to toss and insists on batting first.

Whitehead makes impressive return from injury to remove key pole of Simmonds’ 2001 Aussie tormentor.

Simmonds and Freeman pouch big wickets but loose bowling and distracted fielding allows Pretenders to rattle along at 5 an over. PJ Harvey receives stern examination as stand-in ‘keeper.

Hopes finally fade for hosts’ social skills when oppo umpire holds up play twice to answer calls on his mobile.

Frequent bowling changes show Weekenders attack lacks nothing in quantity.

Pretenders reach 200 off 40 overs. Hosts then strike at Weekenders’ Achilles heel by cunningly laying on sparse tea.

Weekenders rally at news that they are to be allowed to bat and make sparky start, Hogben on-driving with fierce pride, PJ dispatching Aussie into Mrs Miggs’ garden.

Enders always up with the rate but low blood-sugar levels cause wickets to fall at regular intervals.

With abject ignominy beckoning Hajela walks to the crease to play the finest innings in black trainers in the history of the club. d’Inverno saves further embarrassment contributing grunty 22 to the highest partnership of the innings (42).

After lengthy coaching session in the nets from Sam, Mike Freeman unveils resplendant square cut. But all in vain as Weekenders bowled out for 158 in 31 overs.

Pretenders skipper/manager Horry Money lives up to his name by charging Weekenders a record-breaking sum of £40 for weight-watchers tea.

Aussie gun-bat expresses willingness to defect to Weekenders.

Stats:

Douglas 8-3-13-1, d’Inverno 8-1-32-2, Simmonds 5-1-23-1, Whitehead 8-1-34-2, Freeman 5-0-23-2, Hargroves 1-0-15-0, Webster 5-0-42-0

Hogben 32, M Harvey 1, Hargroves 0, Webster 12, PJ Harvey 19, Hajela 30, Douglas 5, d’Inverno 22, Whitehead 2, Freeman 3*.

BUSINESS SECTION

R. d’Inverno & Son (pie merchants) of Avebury (valued at eight an over) are fighting off a hostile takeover bid from Webster & Hargroves Premier Pies of Dulwich (currently trading at 9.5).